The Wisdom of my Mother

Wisdom of my mother

I was twenty years old when I met my husband, I was a law student then and trying to stay focused but they wouldn’t let me. (Please don’t ask me who). Well I met him and he showed me the true meaning of dating. I discovered that I had been a learner all the while. Just like I wasn’t all that he wanted in a woman, he wasn’t all that I wanted in a man as well. He was too blunt.  He wanted me to be more sophisticated. He would check my nails like he was inspecting a secondary school girl and then say to me in the nicest way, “nne you know you can fix your nails” I had the fattest nails ever and worse still, I bit them. He would ask me to fix weavon and look more like a lady. He often said to me that I was too predictable with my looks, always on braids and always putting on jeans. Then I loved to work out a lot and so I had very firm arms that I was so proud of. One day he just said to me, you are too masculine, when I hold you it’s like I am holding my fellow man. (Amaka sorry) Besides, I’m afraid that one day, if I get you upset, I wouldn’t survive a blow from you.

I mean I had heard of Onitsha men and how blunt and bad mouthed they were but I wasn’t expecting what I was experiencing. He was just too blunt. I stayed on because he had the kindest heart and genuinely wished me well. Another thing he said was, “surprise me with your looks, change your hair style as often as possible” he was talking to the wrong person, I hated to go to the salon or sit through long braids. The only reason I braided then was because they lasted for months.

Some time in my final year, I had planned to go see my beau, I remembered what he had told me about my looks and decided to take out my braids which were over three months and I was almost sure that they had started smelling. I wanted to look different for him and what did I do? I went to the barbers and cut off my beautiful long hair. I remember what a classmate of mine said to me then, “Amaka you have lost your uniqueness, you now look like every one of us” if only this girl knew I was trying to look unique for my bobo. Chai! I needed to do something very fast; I had few more days before my scheduled trip to Lagos to see my “sister”. Yes that was what mum was made to believe. I went back to the salon and tinted my hair, all blonde! I had one more class on Friday, before the Law week which was practically a no lecture period. I got to class a bit late on that day, in my orange dungaree, as soon as I got into class, my lecturer with his Ojukwu beard burst into laughter. I just stood there and looked at him. When he stopped laughing, he said to me. “Your clothes are orange, your hair is orange, and the only things missing out are your eyebrows, why don’t you make them orange too. Of course the whole class started laughing. I laughed with them and went to get a seat at the back row. One good quality I still possess till date is the ability to laugh at myself sometimes. It was meant to be a humiliating moment but it is still one of my best memories of great 5A.

The D-day came and I left for Lasgidis, the land of fun like we called it then. I didn’t get to see Victor till the next day. When I got to his place, he was with his siblings and a few friends. As soon as I got in, it was as if everyone froze. Then he stood up, took me by the hand to his bedroom and said, here take this money, go to a good salon and get your hair fixed. Get a weavon, fix it and change the colour of your hair! He was almost shouting. I just started laughing, “You don’t like my hair?” “No!”  One look at me, he knew I was not going to do it so he gently pleaded with me. And asked if my parents saw my hair, I said no. Well, I left and got my hair fixed the way he wanted. (Ije love)

A week later I returned to school and went home that weekend, I was sitting and gisting with mum when my big brother asked if I saw my sister in Lagos. I think he was being mischievous.  Before he could change the topic, mum went off, “Nwamaka, so you went to see that Onitsha man eh? So you are not a virgin eh? (na today?), God knows I have raised you in His ways and if you go to hell fire it will be on your head” I’m like, “Hian, mum, how can you say such a thing, how can you say that I am no longer a Vee” She wouldn’t listen to me, she just started preaching and said well I have told you heaven is real and hell is real. I asked, but what if he marries me? And she said what if he doesn’t. I replied that I would move on and marry someone else. At that point, I asked her, “Mum was daddy the only man you ever knew?” The look on her face told me that I needed to take cover. She started screaming, “kitikpa rachakwa gi anya” (I don’t know what kitikpa is but  rachakwaa gi anya means lick your eyes. Hahahaha, oh! How I miss mum) “ara gbachie gi nti” (let madness block your ears). My generation was not as useless as your own generation, of course….. she was still screaming when I took off. I mean she was just upset.

I was in law school when it happened, I found out that I was going to be a mother! I was still 23 years old, Victor then proposed ( will I call that a proposal?) proposal after the fact.  First hurdle crossed, he did not deny me. Second hurdle, siblings were told and third hurdle, how do we tell mum. The fourth hurdle was telling dad but that particular hurdle was never going to be crossed. It was safer to leave it out. Before somebody would be disowning somebody for no reason. Biko no no.

I had to wait till my older sibling told mum and it was safe to come home. One look at me and she said “nwata rie ihe o na amuru anya o laru ura” (if a child eats what is keeping her awake, she will sleep) shee you will rest now?

She helped convince dad to let us marry at the earliest date so I could go back and face my studies squarely. Gbam! Daddy gave us dates for both traditional and white wedding with a month between the two.

Being Catholic it was forbidden to get married pregnant, in Enugu then, if you were pregnant before your wedding day, you’d be wedded at the early morning mass at 5:45am. It was like, lets marry them before the day breaks fully so they don’t disgrace God. This became a situation, how would we get married at that time, the same time that they wedded very old people who had lived together for years in sin. It was in the morning mass that the priest wedded them to prepare them to meet their maker without sin. I mean they were that old. The thought of it terrified me.

I carried on like everything was normal; I would push my tummy in during meetings with the catechist or my father. The last hurdle was the priest, before your wedding, you are expected to go for confession. This worried me, I kept telling mum that the priest would find out that I was preggy and then cancel my 10am wedding and move us to 5:45am. Anytime I mentioned it, mum kept quiet, till the day of the confession, I asked her for the last time, what do I do if the priest cancelled our time. My mother just made one sentence. “Nwamaka, is pregnancy a sin?” OMG!  The wisdom of my Mother. Of course, pregnancy was a blessing; the only sin here was fornication. Needless to say, the time was never changed.

Mum was too playful at the same time very serious minded, on my wedding day, since we were in a hurry, we had no choice than to key into a day when three or more other couples were wedded, mum told me not to cover my face with my veil, “only virgins cover their faces, are you one?” All the other brides covered their faces and it was like a taboo to leave mine open, everyone looked at me like I had eaten the forbidden fruit – bloody hypocrites. I kept begging mum through my chief bridesmaid to let me cover my face before the priest processed to the altar, she refused, I would look back at her and she would whisper. “I’ll disgrace you oh” she would point her finger and then stick out her tongue. She knew I was distressed. I can’t believe how young and naïve and obedient I was then. They should try me now. Mscheew. As soon as the bell rang to indicate that it was time for procession, I looked back for the last time and mum said reluctantly, “okay”. Phew! That was close.

The day ended at last and here we are, Victor and I, sixteen years later, still rocking it despite challenges and tribulations. We are definitely winning because we have made Christ the head of our home.

My advice to my boys and other young people is abstinence. Sex before marriage is wrong if you are a Christian. (Of course I can’t tell my boys my story) because old things are passed away.

 Some of us ended well but a great number of people did not. Some even lost their lives in the course.

Date the right way, even if it fails along the line, your dignity will forever be intact.

Shalom!