Sometimes I wish I can look in the face of someone in an awkward relationship and tell him or her that everything would be fine.
When a guy told me that he was engaged to a lady who was almost ten years older than him and needed advice, I found myself in an uncomfortable position. He said that he was in love with this girl and all the time referred to her as “my girl”.
I asked him some questions,
Does she make you happy?” Yes!
Does she respect you? Yes!
Does she get along with your family? No!
Does she respect your family? No, because they don’t respect her
Does she respect your parents? She respects only my dad, because my mother is a trouble maker.
(As he made this last statement, I began to bind all the evil spirits that make sons speak of their mothers in that manner)
The conversation continued.
Oh really? Was your mother always a trouble maker? Not really, she just makes trouble when she doesn’t like someone.
So she doesn’t like your “girl”? Nope!
Why not? For no reason. (keep deceiving yourself, the age difference is enough reason)
Have you bothered to find out why?
No, I do not care!
(More binding and casting, this type will never see any of my sons)
I wanted to say to him that it was okay if she made him very happy, I wanted to bring in my 21st century thinking but it just wouldn’t happen. My dear, if you now think that your mother is a trouble maker just because she doesn’t get on with your girlfriend, then there is a problem and it is not from your mother.
If this lady was just a few years older than this young man, it could be understandable; two to three years wouldn’t be that bad but anything five and above is just too much. We are Africans and especially Nigerians, some things may never be totally acceptable, and this is one of them.
I asked to see her picture, hmm..story for another day.
I've heard of rare circumstances where the older spouse being the woman is extremely good that no-one remembers that she is in a queer position. Anything is possible of course.
But I can’t think of any mother in Nigeria who would go rejoicing that her son is engaged to a much older lady. Nah, it doesn’t happen here; and even parents of daughters may not be too happy if their daughter plans to marry a much younger guy.
In most cases, there is definitely a catch, which is always that the lady is wealthy or from a wealthy family and the guy is lazy or is looking for a way to get rich very quickly. If the guy is normal, financially stable and not handicapped then he must surely be a bit off (i.e skoiskoi). Even when it happens in the Western world, there’s still a bit of oddness to it. No one can convince me that Macron is totally normal, of course not, geniuses are not normal people and most presidents are geniuses including our Nigerian presidents, past and present. (I mean every word of it)
The few men that I know who married much older ladies did not have very good experiences; one of them actually said that it was while he was married to his much older wife that he realised that indiscriminate consumption of malaria tablets wasn’t that harmful, why? You may ask.
He always feigned sickness and so had to always pop malaria drugs into his mouth right in front of her just to convince her that he was actually sick. He did this because according to him, she wanted “it” all of the time. (Please note that indiscriminate consumption of any medicine is very bad and harmful).
Now some people may think that I am biased, how about women who marry men who are a lot older than them? First of all, I am not a feminist, I believe in equal rights for the women but not in all things, women are special and there certainly should be some mystery attached to being a woman. Mysteries such as the ability to stay untainted, sane and normal even when the men are badly behaved.
Another man, who married a much older lady had a bad experience, before the marriage, he was her king and she was submissive but as soon as the kids came she was a completely different person. It was clear that all she ever wanted was to have kids and of course the marriage crashed.
A man is meant to be the head of the home but how can he be the head of his mother? It is easier for a wife who is younger than the husband to be submissive than for a wife who is older than her spouse.
If you are one of those liberal minded folks who do not care, no problem but please may the wind of unusual circumstances blow such relationships only to your homes and very far away from my boys and I.(this is just a simple prayer)
When a guy told me that he was engaged to a lady who was almost ten years older than him and needed advice, I found myself in an uncomfortable position. He said that he was in love with this girl and all the time referred to her as “my girl”.
I asked him some questions,
Does she make you happy?” Yes!
Does she respect you? Yes!
Does she get along with your family? No!
Does she respect your family? No, because they don’t respect her
Does she respect your parents? She respects only my dad, because my mother is a trouble maker.
(As he made this last statement, I began to bind all the evil spirits that make sons speak of their mothers in that manner)
The conversation continued.
Oh really? Was your mother always a trouble maker? Not really, she just makes trouble when she doesn’t like someone.
So she doesn’t like your “girl”? Nope!
Why not? For no reason. (keep deceiving yourself, the age difference is enough reason)
Have you bothered to find out why?
No, I do not care!
(More binding and casting, this type will never see any of my sons)
I wanted to say to him that it was okay if she made him very happy, I wanted to bring in my 21st century thinking but it just wouldn’t happen. My dear, if you now think that your mother is a trouble maker just because she doesn’t get on with your girlfriend, then there is a problem and it is not from your mother.
If this lady was just a few years older than this young man, it could be understandable; two to three years wouldn’t be that bad but anything five and above is just too much. We are Africans and especially Nigerians, some things may never be totally acceptable, and this is one of them.
I asked to see her picture, hmm..story for another day.
I've heard of rare circumstances where the older spouse being the woman is extremely good that no-one remembers that she is in a queer position. Anything is possible of course.
But I can’t think of any mother in Nigeria who would go rejoicing that her son is engaged to a much older lady. Nah, it doesn’t happen here; and even parents of daughters may not be too happy if their daughter plans to marry a much younger guy.
In most cases, there is definitely a catch, which is always that the lady is wealthy or from a wealthy family and the guy is lazy or is looking for a way to get rich very quickly. If the guy is normal, financially stable and not handicapped then he must surely be a bit off (i.e skoiskoi). Even when it happens in the Western world, there’s still a bit of oddness to it. No one can convince me that Macron is totally normal, of course not, geniuses are not normal people and most presidents are geniuses including our Nigerian presidents, past and present. (I mean every word of it)
The few men that I know who married much older ladies did not have very good experiences; one of them actually said that it was while he was married to his much older wife that he realised that indiscriminate consumption of malaria tablets wasn’t that harmful, why? You may ask.
He always feigned sickness and so had to always pop malaria drugs into his mouth right in front of her just to convince her that he was actually sick. He did this because according to him, she wanted “it” all of the time. (Please note that indiscriminate consumption of any medicine is very bad and harmful).
Now some people may think that I am biased, how about women who marry men who are a lot older than them? First of all, I am not a feminist, I believe in equal rights for the women but not in all things, women are special and there certainly should be some mystery attached to being a woman. Mysteries such as the ability to stay untainted, sane and normal even when the men are badly behaved.
Another man, who married a much older lady had a bad experience, before the marriage, he was her king and she was submissive but as soon as the kids came she was a completely different person. It was clear that all she ever wanted was to have kids and of course the marriage crashed.
A man is meant to be the head of the home but how can he be the head of his mother? It is easier for a wife who is younger than the husband to be submissive than for a wife who is older than her spouse.
If you are one of those liberal minded folks who do not care, no problem but please may the wind of unusual circumstances blow such relationships only to your homes and very far away from my boys and I.(this is just a simple prayer)
Dear Amaka,
ReplyDeleteWhen it is said that love is blind; it actually means that the person in love accommodates the imperfections of the one he loves.
But this accommodation should not deny objective realities that undermines the very foundation of love.
Love is blind but not stupid.
The problem arises when the one loving do not possess himself in self mastery therefore lacking the capacity of circumspection; the resultant being to sway towards stubborn and disordered impulses of affection.
Help this young man to wake up from his slumber; love is a serious affair and as it stands now, his mother happens to be one that love him most.
Amaka, it's good you have a platform to air your opinions.I'd like to believe it is a good trait to always see the two sides of a coin before drawing a conclusion on a matter. Have you had a chat with the older lady in question? Is she that bad, or because she old and no come fine for pishure? If she were younger than him, would the mother have liked her instead? Hmmm
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that has dated older gals most of his life and he plans to marry one (had no idea he was a genuis the whole time) Both of them don't have much, so I guess it's love. Another friend swore he'd never date nor marry a slim chic, because he doesn't like looking for them on the bed (another genuis? Lol). So all those people that are praying for genius kids, be prepared!
As much as we want the best for our kids, the ideas of a picture perfect family for them, things don't always go according to our plan. When we see an older lady with a much youmger guy or an older man with a small geh..first instinct is to check whether "ego na ekwu oku" - money talks. Most of the time is the case....sometimes it's jazz too.
But when it's the real deal A.K.A Love, there is no amount of binding that would work.( just cause God didn't answer in the affirmative, doesn't mean he didn't answer)
To the guys that marry very wealthy ladies and enter the home with only "silpas" no contributions whatsoever and want to come and be the "man of the house" ..Bros, I know it's not scriptural but you gats to "submit". You know what you signed up for! Any man that has to keep reminding his woman that he's a MAN, is in trouble, because any woman with "Aku na Uche" doesn't need reminding.
We can only pray for the best for our children but when they bring home what we don't supposedly like, lets genuinely pray for clarity rather than binding, because as you are binding, another person is binding, so who God go answer? May the best prayer warrior win!
Peter Okoye(Psquare), Dare Art Alade to mention but a few, married older women and it wasnt 2-3yrs age difference. It's not just their physical attributes that made their union tick. Pray for God's Will(and mean it!) and not your will in the lives of your kids. We struggle and become embittered when things don't go as planned. Let go and let God. If its not his will, it won't work. If it is...
ReplyDeleteAge doesn't matter. Love and understanding does. It took the death of someone I admire so much for me to find out she was much older than her husband. It took eight years for the family yo finally agree for them to get married. All her life, she sacrificed so much for her husband and marriage and he did same. She had to resign her job as a bank manager because her husband was also a manager in the same bank. They had two boys. One died two years ago in a car accident. Her husband was the driver. Their marriage has been from one storm to the other until she died 3 weeks ago. What I saw was a broken man, who never knew how to move on anymore. The same family members who were always at loggerheads with her and she would always smile and move on with life, were at loss on what to do. I had a lengthy talk with him. I didn't know what I could tell a man who was much older, experienced and more powerful. I just told him, " Uncle, if you know how you were able to pull me out of the hell that used to be my life, then apply same to yours now or I will always see you as a hypocrite. Uc is all you have now and am sure, Aunty knew she was leaving him in good hands." Two days later, I went to see him and I saw a man who wanted to live for her again and he told me, "Thank you Chukys (he has called me that since I was a baby) you spoke to me like a man and now I am convinced you are a man." Second experience, I attended the birthday ceremony of my former Chairman yesterday. Similar scenario. They don't even have biological children. They had to adopt 2 a few years back, fortunately, those kids look like them as each day comes. I saw love in its fullest as I have always known them and even the family members who were at the forefront of the battle attended the ceremony and were looking much older than him and his wife and these two have not aged a bit since the last time I saw them. Infact the raddiance of their love is very infectious. God decides, so mine is God has the final say.
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