The number Two

          Photo credit: Alamy

Growing up was a lot of fun and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Coming from a large family, there was never a dull moment and one thing we did very well was to laugh at ourselves and almost everything.

I remember attending my cousin Chika’s traditional wedding and while there, I noticed a girl who was about my age but acted much older. The most interesting thing about her was that she had an American accent which was quite rare in those days back in Eastern Nigeria.

I immediately felt intimidated by her and my confidence which I thought was a ten over ten dropped to like a six. We were inside the house while the whole ceremony happened out in the compound. I remember watching her every move and trying to imagine what she was thinking.

At some point she left the living room where we sat and when she returned she was with another cousin of mine Blessing. It turned out that my cousins were also her cousins, Blessing took her to another part of the mansion that was their home and I stylishly observed them. I realised that Blessing showed her a more private restroom.

By the time I saw her again I had forgotten all about her and was watching the beautiful traditional ceremony from the balcony. It was such a show because it was a unique occasion; the groom was a very handsome young man from Belgium and he was there with his family all dressed in very rich Nigerian attires and dancing to the local music with so much passion to the delight of the guests and other spectators.

The girl whose name I never knew came and stood beside me and that was the first time we said a word to each other. She said hello in her American accent which I responded to in a fake British accent and afterwards I avoided any form of conversation with her for fear of giving myself away with my Igbo accent. I also noticed that she was very beautiful and her hair was very straight like she was from a mixed race.

It was such a relief when my sister Nkiru called my name and said that it was time for us to leave, father was ready to go. It was one of those very few events that made father leave his home. He was and is still very good friends with Chika’s father and so he had to honour his friend who was also a brother-in-law.

When we got home, Nkiru and I talked about the event and when I mentioned that the girl with an American accent was too mature for her age, my sister asked why I thought so. I told her that the girl asked for a private restroom just so she could go and get her make-up touched up. 

Before I could finish speaking Nkiru cut me short with “Story!” I was taken aback and she said “which make-up? Amaka biko ka m nu ihe, the girl jee nyuo nsi!” (Amaka please let me hear, the girl went to shit)

I just started laughing because I just couldn’t imagine that beautiful girl doing that. It turned out that my sister used the restroom after her and she said that the smell in there after the girl left the place was like Chernobyl which made her wait for a while before going in. I couldn’t stop laughing that night.

So the American speaking girl does the number two?

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