Excuse Me

Photo Credit: dudefest.com

This is one act that puts everyone on the same level. The rich, the poor, beautiful and ugly; the smart and unintelligent too, everyone does it. There is no discrimination in this case, if you don't do it then there is a big problem.

If you are still wondering what I'm talking about, wonder no more. Farting is one thing that puts everyone at par with each other.

Whenever some people act so posh I always imagine that they could have the worst kind of fart. 

No matter what name we call it, it is what it is. I have heard people call it "gas" or "wind". Whatever name we call It, it will never stop it from being such a humbling act.

I have a friend who farts only in the toilet, living in bondage as I tell her. I can't imagine lying on my bed alone when that powerful call of nature comes and instead of positioning the back well and letting it go, I head to the toilet just for a fart?

Someone told me of someone who couldn't fart after a surgery and the prayer point by a prayer warrior group was "sister fart in the Name of God Amen" She said that it was on that day she realised the importance and miracle of farting.

Here in Nigeria when people fart around others, it's considered rude and the children in my days would get a brain resetting knock on the head. However, I understand that in more civilised countries, farting is treated same way as sneezing. The farter just says "excuse me”

I don't agree with the culture though. Excuse me for what? The sound or the smell of the fart. Please farting is not to be shared with others and that does not imply in any way that we should be embarrassed over an accidental discharge.

The only time I do not miss hubby when he's out of town is when “bumshakapuwa” comes calling. It's such a joy that I don’t have to excuse myself and leave the room or start explaining (more like lying) that it was unintended.

The joy of being alone is the ability to release the blast as they come. (I’m aware that some people will start to see me differently after this post. Lol!) In fact I'm upset when I'm prepared for a very loud one and it comes out like a whistle. It's such a disappointing experience.

There are different categories of farting.

The empty vessel: This is very loud but without substance. What is a fart without the smell.

The silent killer: This has no sound but the smell is capable of killing. The farter would have left the vicinity before the receivers realises what hit them.

The double whammy: This is loud and smelly. While you are shouting at the offender the smell hits you like a bang and you just have to shut up so it doesn't get in your mouth and down your throat. 

The dead on arrival: This is not just silent, it's also empty. It has no value and is a total waste of energy to its owner. Lol!

A friend once told a story of how he was in a black cab in the UK and the driver made his life very difficult by releasing bombshells at intervals. With each release he would say "excuse me sir".

When he could bear it no longer he planned his revenge. He practically prayed for a fart. According to him, when the hour came he had about fifteen more minutes to his destination; enough time to attack.

He passed a silent killer category type of fart. He put his legs together bent over his knees, opened his legs a bit and tasted the fart. When he confirmed the effectiveness and quality of the fart, he opened his legs and released the trapped wind. 

After two minutes he noticed the discomfort on the driver's face and was happy that his silent killer was potent.

He relaxed thereafter in anticipation of the next episode. The driver looking very distressed asked if he could take down the car windows, a request my friend turned down.

I'm sure the driver will never have an indirect war of the farts with a passenger anymore.

Apart from its health benefits, a fart can be useful. It's a good way of sending an unwanted guest home. I recommend either the silent killer of the double whammy. With the latter you have to apologise but with the former just play dumb. A smart person will get the drift.

If you are thinking that this topic is gross and irrelevant, I should have you know that a wife was sent packing by her husband for an accidental discharge. She was asked to go and learn to be respectful.

She says that she's particularly bitter because her husband does it all the time in her presence. He claims to be a titled chief and would not tolerate such from a woman. Rubbish!

Me: The husband is a joker and if I were her I would not leave the house for such a silly reason.