A Better Girl

The article below was written and submitted by Pinkchelli.  She's my mentee who had always believed she could never write well. I'm happy Lilea's blog has presented an opportunity for her to share her unique writing skills with the world. This is her third write up and it will be worth your while. 

Ps: f you want to be read as well please reach out to me.

Photo credit: nymag.com

THERE’S ALWAYS A BETTER GIRL

He gives her more, the better girl, - higher currency, bigger gifts, more attention - because she’s older or classier. Either way, you are ranked below in the hierarchy. He may love you more or less but he gives her better anyway. It’s because he knows you lean on him; you are needy and his little offerings keep you coming back for a little more. 

You used to love someone who loved you too, but you left all that to settle for him. You wanted more gifts, more money- whichever one, but they now come with less affection and little value.

Nothing he gives you means anything to him but he rocks your world. He wouldn’t give more when he has more and will never give with all his heart but he gives anyway, for that is the only power he has over you. 

You wouldn’t be with him but for his money. You say it is not so but you know that in some way, it is. You forgive those little things he does: not returning your calls, not replying messages, talking down on you, hushing you in public, making lewd comments. You say they don’t matter but you know you are affected.

This is the thing; there’s another girl. You don’t want to imagine it but you know it is true. He is too ‘big’ to not have someone else. That is why you won’t walk away, because you are scared a better girl will pop up in seconds.

He values the other girl - twice more, thrice more, many times more than you - because she is in a higher place and even though he gives her more, he knows she does not need it anyway. She has a job. She is doing great and does not have to lean on him. She would not tolerate his little things so he will not do them around her. She just likes him.

But he loves to be around you. With you, he feels like a king, a bigger person, a dictator. He knows you love him with all your heart and that is enough to glorify him. 

A certain day, he would hit you. You would get so scared and cry. Then he would comfort you, be consumed by guilt and love you again. For some reason, the guilt helps him love you more. You would want to leave him. You would make up your mind but your legs would fail you. So you wouldn’t take a step; you would stick around.

He wants to impress her, the better girl. He wants to buy her a Honda to show he can afford it. She makes him want to prove his worthiness and that, to him, is very attractive. 

He would not hit her, would not even think of it. He would not shut her up in public; he believes she has earned the power to speak by virtue of her success. He does not know how weak she is because he is blinded by her strength. He loves her.

But he would marry you. He would not marry the one who intimidates him, even though he really should not be intimidated. He would not marry her because he wants to feel manly; this is how he reasons. 

He needs that dependence, that reverence, that weakness. He would not watch his ego shrivel. You are the perfect wife for him.

You would accept his proposal. 

You would get excited. You would suddenly forget his egocentricity as though it would go away. You would push aside the little hurtful things he does as though he would stop doing them. You would kiss the ring, admire the sparkle and walk down the aisle.

Nonetheless, if that better girl comes to your home, she would get the better treatment. If he sees her in the mall, his eyes would linger on her. If she comes to his office, he would spend extra hours. If she has a flat tyre, he would miss an appointment just to fix it. She has some power over him, some power you do not have and cannot have by virtue of your position as his wife.

But you could have avoided this. You could have walked away when he hit you. You had the right to be mad so you didn’t have to feel guilty about walking away. You could have gotten a job if you did not have one, a better one if you already had one. 

You could have spent less time drooling over him but planning a future that would have something for you in it. You could have worked harder, read wider, and thought farther. 

You could have stopped looking, leaning and depending on him. You could have started to love yourself, and gotten the things you love, for yourself and by yourself. Even still, you could have stayed with the one who loved you.

You can still make a decision. You can still set things right. Because if you don’t get up, dry your tears and walk away, there will always be a better girl and it won’t be you.

Pinkchelli